Two Years Later…

//Two Years Later…

Right now it would be 4:50 AM in Las Vegas…7:50 AM EST. Two years ago at this time, I was tossing and turning in our RV, in Las Vegas. About two hours before, Debbie, Garrett and Carson finally made it home…3AM. They had been gone for nearly 12 hours, having taken Carson into the hospital to be checked out, provided platelets and fluids. I was restless all night, my soul was swirling, I could not find peace or sleep. I was waiting up for Carson to get back…

I am so thankful I did, as it was the last time I saw him alive and talked to him. They got back to the RV about 3AM…Carson was exhausted. I helped him out of the car, took his shoes off and helped him back to the bathroom. He sat to pee-it was a rule, all the boys had to sit in the RV-kept it much cleaner LOL! As he sat, he said, “Daddy, can I lay my head against you?” I told him of course. And I rubbed his head gently, I still remember feeling the stubble of his hair, as it was starting to grow back…first time in a long time. Debbie and I brought him into the bedroom, helped him change, put him to bed with a kiss, and each told him we loved him…for the last time…

I could not get to sleep, Debbie next to me, Carson next to her…

We have all heard the famous 23rd Psalm:
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

At approximately 7AM, I heard an awful sound coming from Carson, and woke Deb…Carson was unresponsive and not breathing. CALL 911 she screamed! Brett, you grab Carson, I will get the car!
We were walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death…

We got Carson in the car and to the other side of the gates…it was a gated park we were staying in…911 on the phone…start CPR…rhythm of compressions to “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees…come on Carson, stay with me, please stay with me, I love you, stay with me…where are the paramedics?

The Shadow is creeping up on us…growing longer…seems like forever…Paramedics arrive…keep compressing, keep praying, keep hoping…they load Carson and Debbie…we will meet them at the hospital…
We are soaked, the sprinkler system came on while we were doing CPR…some us still in our bright neon orange underwear (Brendon :))…change jump in the car and race to the hospital…
We arrive, a team of professionals administering CPR, drugs, oxygen…it is organized chaos, trained teams performing their duties with precision, in harmony, working desperately together to save this boy’s life…it almost feels like they want it as much as we do…fighting for him!

Tick…tick…tick…each minute the shadow grows longer, the light a little dimmer…

A little after 8…ER Doctor, “Mr. Higgins, I am so sorry, we need to call it” tick…tick…tick…it is oh so dark as we reach the Valley…Brendon, “Before you do, would it be Ok if we if we pray as a family?”…”Of course” is the reply…tick…tick…tick…

And then the Light bursts through this dreaded darkness, this shadow that has engulfed us…and we hear a heartbeat on the monitor, and then another and another…Carson has a heartbeat, he has a stable BP…
ER Doctor, “Wow! I have never seen that before, that kid is a fighter!” You better believe it, that’s my boy! He has been a fighter his whole life! He has battled this terrible monster called cancer for nearly 10 years-never with a tear, never with sadness, never with complaining…only with grace, and love and courage! He fought back, Jesus gave him back…he wanted to say goodbye…

Carson never gained consciousness, but we know he could hear us. Each brother went to him, and told him they loved him…then me…I honestly don’t remember what I said, except I love you and that I was so proud to be his Father…and I kissed him…he was warm and breathing…

Debbie was the last, and should be. Carson and Debbie had, and will always have a supernatural, amazing bond-stronger than anything I have ever seen. Debbie told him she loved him, and was so thankful for him fighting back, but that we knew he was with Jesus, and if he wanted to stay, we would be ok, and she would be ok…she kissed…

Less than a minute later he flat lined…we fell into the Valley of Death…it was dark, it was cold…

But we knew the Light was greater! We knew the Light had come nearly 2000 years ago to conquer death, to take away its sting…we knew at that moment, and today, that Carson is with Christ-no more tears, no more pain, and waiting for us, someday, to join him. We have comfort, we have peace, and we will dwell in House house…forever…

I am so blessed, so thankful for the 12 and a half years on earth I shared with Carson. I am such a blessed Dad-5 amazing young men as sons! Carson taught our family so much, his life brought us all closer to God, grew our faith, brought so many amazing, loving, kind, generous people into our lives-we are so thankful for them. We know Carson’s life touched so many others! Of course today is hard, and sad, and I have been crying uncontrollably as I type-but it is a CELEBRATION! He is in Heaven! So please, wherever you are, if you read this, please celebrate our son’s life and legacy with us today! He is not in the Valley, nor are we, we are in the Light! Come join us!

Here locally, we are celebrating from 1 to 3 this afternoon at the Everett Road baseball fields located on Everett Road, just east of Hametown Rd. Carson was pronounced dead at 9:03AM in Las Vegas, 12:03 here in the Easter time zone…if you think of him, remember, he is in a better place, and was ready to go…I always myself, “Am I?”
I am…looking forward to the day.

Thanks for reading. Our love to all of you, thank you for you continued support and love!!
John

A poem I wrote about August 11, 2016
The Hardest Day of My Life
August 11…2016
Was the last day I held you
Gene Gene my Jellybean

It was after 3am
I waited restlessly for your return
You had been away for much of the day
To the hospital, Children’s of Vegas in fact
To get blood, fluids and ensure you were intact

You arrived to me, clearly tired, exhausted in fact
I helped you get off your shoes
And off to the bathroom
You were so tired, you couldn’t even support your head
You asked, “Dad can I please lay my head on you?”
Of course you may…I replied
As I gently rubbed your fuzzy head
And nearly cried…

Mom and I helped you change
And then tuck you in
Not knowing we’d never talk again
At least not during this earthly ride
As in the night, Jesus called you to His side

My spirit was restless all night…
Around 7 that morning
I heard you passing out of sight
I knew something was terribly wrong
I shook Mom and she cried, “Dial 911!”

You were lifeless, your lungs had stopped
So too had your heart
No time was left
Brett scooped you in his arms
As I readied the car…
For we had to get you to the other side
Of the gates that separated us
From those who could help

We started CPR, thank God for that class
Ironically I was taught,
As the paramedics arrived,
To compress your sweet chest
To the rhythm of “Staying Alive.”
While my eyes watched your lifeless body
Praying for a sign of life…

The paramedics continued their work
As I continued to compress
Praying your heart would beat in your chest
But alas, with no sign of life in your eyes
They raced you and Mom off to where your night began,
Back to Children’s of Vegas…
Your brothers and I raced behind you, hoping not to say goodbye
But hoping to arrive to the sparkle in your eye!

But, it wasn’t meant to be
The medical team worked so diligently
To bring you back to us
And as they told me they had to call it
We asked to pray, and they agreed to stall it
And miraculously your heart began to beat, and your blood pressure came up!
There was no explanation, your spirit had left you for nearly an hour…

But God allowed you back to us for a moment
The doctors couldn’t believe what they were witnessing
As your vital signs were stabilizing
But it was a time for us to say goodbye
I know you heard us, and know how loved you were…
Mom was the last, no two people have ever shared such a loving bond…
And she whispered it was okay
For you to stay with Jesus
She said we would be fine
And it was okay for you to go
To a place of no pain and suffering

So you went, for you were spent
It had been a long haul
For nearly ten years you battled this terrible disease
I could see in the last weeks how tired you were
But you never complained, you always endured
And when you had the chance, you stayed with Jesus
No more treatments, no more needles
No more hospitals or doctors
No more radiation or chemotherapy
No, you now had peace and joy
You now are fully healed…
I know how much you LOVED and CHERISHED your brothers and Mom
Heaven must be amazing as you chose to be with Jesus, by His side…
Knowing someday later, in the blink of an eye
We would see you again
And be together forever
Never again to be separated or hurt or cry
No, spending forever with Jesus
And you will teach us how to fly!

Till that day sweet Carson
We will miss you
We will cry and grieve and smile
And every once in awhile
We will swear you are here…always near
We trust in God and His will
To reunite us in a place called Heaven
And to keep you safe but unseen
Until then, I LOVE YOU, my Gene Gene Bean…

Dad
#CARSONSTRONG

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By |2018-09-09T14:18:11+00:00August 17th, 2018|Categories: Journal Entry|

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